I have a voice inside me. A harsh, negative and disappointed voice that is always keeping me right where I am. It’s not always around but right now, I feel like it’s sitting right beside me, with its face close to mine, reading each word as I type it, mocking every sentence I frame, convincing me that everything I have written is bullshit.
“Who would ever read it?”
“You can’t write for nuts.”
“Nothing you do will ever be good enough.”
“You are not an artist, so stop trying to be one.”
For years, I believed it. I took it word for word. It must be right, right? Out of the billion people on this planet, why would someone read something that I’ve written? Am I really worthy of being a photographer? I am definitely not an artist, anyone can do what I do. Artists create beauty and I don’t think I can, not even if I try, so why give it a shot?
So I didn’t create the stuff I wanted to. I found excuses to put all my ideas on the back burner and some I didn’t even care to make note of. Some projects were too big to execute, some would require an extra set of hands, how would I find people who’d want to collaborate with me and the biggest one – where do I have the time to do all of this extra work. It bogged me down, excuse after excuse. It is like my brain telling my mind (no, they’re not the same!) to shoot down any idea that popped without even understanding if it was something I could pursue.
This whole little head-circus made me feel terrible. I felt unworthy. I felt like a loser and most of all I felt defeated. Defeated by no nemesis but my very own self. I started hating myself for not being able to create and express the stories my inner artist was dying to tell.
So I made a decision, this year (2019) will be all about creating. Creating stories that mattered to me and to other people. I promised myself that I’d put my head down and blindly work on ideas that my mind conjured up, without any excuses.
This blog is my first step to it. Not only am I taking my work away from the overpopulated grounds of social media but I am also putting myself in a spot so that I don’t let myself down.
This series “Breaking Up With Your Inner Bully” is a documentation of strategies that I used to let go of the big bullying monster that lurks inside me. Unlike a perpetrator, an Inner Bully is someone we’ve let in, allowed to get cozy and now influences our decisions; but just like a toxic relationship that only leads to a downward spiral, we need to cut ties and say goodbye.
There are many artists and creators like me who are putting away some of their best ideas because they believe they aren’t good enough. Well, you won’t be until you give it a shot.
Starting today, I will jot down these strategies that will help us show our Inner Bully its rightful place – outside the mind. These are ideas, thoughts, and tricks that I have tried and succeeded with, as well as some borrowed practices from famous artists and doers from around the world.
So tune in, the day after and the day after that and let’s break up with that big, bad bully in our minds.
Until next post.